


I Know What I Have To Do

by immortalpramheda



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015), Star Wars Episode VIII: The Last Jedi (2017), Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: F/M, Force Bond (Star Wars)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-06
Updated: 2018-03-06
Packaged: 2019-03-27 16:56:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 933
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13885119
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/immortalpramheda/pseuds/immortalpramheda
Summary: His thoughts weren't just about himself, they were about her too.





	I Know What I Have To Do

**Author's Note:**

> My interpretation of what was going through Kylo's mind during the elevator scene in TLJ.

“Ben,” she said.

 

The way she said it is the way my mother used to say it. My mother, who I could not kill because she wasn’t angry at me. Despite everything I’ve done, despite killing my father, she felt no resentment towards me. All I could feel within her was unconditional love.

 

But why? I’m a _monster_. I heard her and my father call me that themselves. And so has she, the girl who just called me by my birth name. She called me a monster in the forest, and again one time when we connected.

 

I _am_ a monster. Even my uncle tried to kill me because he sensed it too. I know I am. I deserve no sympathy or love. That’s why I became who I am. There was no other option for me.

 

But the way she said my name, it hit something inside me. My eyes darted towards her and I felt my lips start to quiver.

 

_No_ , I told myself firmly. _I can’t let myself be vulnerable_.

 

I _can’t_. I’m not a fool. I’m not a coward. I am Kylo Ren, apprentice to the Supreme Leader of the First Order, soon to take over that role.

 

I was thinking for too long, she noticed my expression change. She saw my fears and vulnerabilities when we touched hands, I’m sure of it. Just like I saw hers.

 

“I’ll help you.”

 

That was the phrase that stood out to me. She moved closer to me as she said it, looking deep into my eyes. I wanted to believe her. She sounded genuine and willing to help. And deep down I knew that if I let her, she could help me.

 

Help… that’s all I ever wanted. When I was younger I didn’t know how to deal with all these feelings inside of me. I didn't mean to trash the house, I just didn’t know how to control it. I asked for help, I _did_. I wanted to understand, I wanted to get in control of all these feelings.

 

But my parents didn’t know what to do with me. They didn’t know how to help me. Me… their _monster_ of a son. So they sent me away. They gave up on me. They didn’t even _try_ to help me. They abandoned me… just like Rey’s parents abandoned her.

 

When we touched hands I saw her parents. I saw that they sold her, they _abandoned_ her, and now they’re probably rotting in the ground somewhere. But she’s still waiting for them. She’s still holding on to a shred of hope that one day they’ll come back to her. But I know they won’t.

 

I waited for my parents to come and get me but they never did. For over ten years I didn’t see them. I didn’t even hear from them. My uncle said they didn’t want to interrupt my training, but I know the truth is that they didn’t _want_ to see me. Their lives were probably better without me. No one to trash the house or cause problems anymore. I bet they were relishing life without me.

 

She was so close to me, so close that I could feel her breath. I could touch her if I wanted. But I was frozen, I couldn’t move my hand even though I wanted to more than anything to touch her.

 

“You’ll stand with me,” I said as confidently as I could. “Rey, I saw who your parents are.”

 

Her eyes fluttered and she backed away when I said that to her, her face full of fear and anger. Or was it shame? Deep down she knows the truth no matter how hard she tries to deny it. I know that it’s hard for her to hear me say it, to tell her that I know the truth. I know how much hope she’s holding onto that she’s wrong and they will return. But they never will. They were nobodies. They never cared about her.

 

She’s a nobody too. But not to me. I saw deep into her soul and it wasn’t so different from mine. We’ve both been abandoned and are full of so much pain. She’ll join me, I _saw_ it. I’ll do what I have to do to make sure that can happen.

 

She has her hands tied in front of her because that’s what I was instructed to do. Following orders, that’s what I _always_ do and I’m _sick_ of it. I’ve worked hard, I deserve to be more than an apprentice. I deserve to be the Supreme Leader. I’ve done my part. I’ve done everything he’s asked me to do. Isn’t that enough? No, of course it wont be for him. Power is what he takes pride in. Power over _me_. He’s been abusing my powers for his benefit for too long and I’ve had _enough._

 

I could still reach out and take her hand… but I’m running out of time, too consumed in my own thoughts. What if the doors open when we’re touching? Snoke already knows I feel something for her, I don’t want to add more fire to that. And what if Hux sees the security camera footage?

 

I’m awoken from my thoughts when the elevator doors open. She whips her head around and I take a deep breath. This is it. I’ve made up my mind. I know what I have to do.

 

As I place my hand on her lower back and escort her into the throne room, there is one thought that overpowers everything else.

 

_I won’t let him hurt her._


End file.
